I'm devastated.

This... this is how it all began. 

In September 2009, I started high school. I went to the local public high school after attending the local elementary and middle schools. As the oldest child, I was the first in my family to be enrolled there. 

But I’m not like my brothers, and I wasn’t thriving in our school system. By early November, my mom and I were looking at private schools for me to go to next year. After a few tours that weren’t great, I saw an inspiring ad in the county newspaper. My mom looked up the school, but it was more expensive than expected, and my dad ruled it out. So my mom reached out to the mother of friends of mine from church, who had three kids at two different private schools. This parent recommended the same school I found in the newspaper. 

I don’t know what happened next because 15-year-olds aren’t included in every parent decision. What I do know, is somehow my mom convinced my dad that they should at least check this school out. They didn’t tell me, and on the same weekend that I was at the church winter retreat, this school had an open house, and my parents went. 

I could credit who am today from everything that happened that day, but truthfully, I know it was God. My parents know it too. Because the story I’ve been told brings my parents to a farm in rural northern New Jersey in the middle of January, wondering why they would pay so much to bring their daughter here, and leaves with my dad declaring I have to go to this school. 

Mom and I went to their open house in April, and the still super shy me brightened the world of my tour guides (who in doing so, brightened me) when they learned I would enter as a sophomore and join their class. I left with the same feeling of desire to attend.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but in three years, this place had changed me into a whole new person. The shy girl who had toured in April 2010 wasn’t like the girls who gave the tour. She never would have led a tour herself. She never would have signed up to travel out of the country without her parents on a school trip. She never would have agreed to accept a nomination for all school council, let alone the position. She never would have allowed herself to be the secondary person to lead daily announcements at lunch. 

But as I left that school as a senior, I had done all of that, and so much more. When I reluctantly signed up for the school musical a few months after arriving, the teachers had already seen something in me. So at auditions when I said I wanted to be in the ensemble, the directors let me audition for the ensemble. But the cast list came out and they disagreed - they cast me as the lead. Somehow they already knew that once I got on that stage, I’d fall in love with it. They were right. 

They were always right. The teachers, staff, and students there made me who I am today. Because I wouldn’t be this version of myself without those three years at Purnell. 

Nine years ago today, I walked across the graduation stage and left campus for the future. I moved to North Carolina for college, and I never moved back.

But in three days, this year’s graduating class will walk across the same stage and be the last in a legacy before Purnell School closes after 57 years.  

I found this out a few months ago, but I don’t feel any better about it happening. I work in education; I understand the facts the board told alumni to show why it’s just not feasible anymore. And I agree with them, but I still don’t feel good. 

I’m devastated by this news. Purnell School has impacted thousands of girls since it opened 57 years ago. They might not all feel the same way as me, but I’m sure that some of them do. Education is changing, yes, and that will affect the school, but I feel like there are still so many girls that could have benefited from this school’s environment. I can only hope they’re still able to find a school that helps them. 

It’s been 9 years since I graduated, and I haven’t been back to campus since. My class hasn’t reached a reunion year yet, and now I live in North Carolina. 

I already know next week is going to be a whirlwind of emotions for me. This crazy school year is ending and then I’ll be moving my classroom before driving to New Jersey so that I can visit my high school for the first time since I graduated and for the last time that it’s called Purnell School.

Purnell School will always be my home. 

September 11th

It’s not news to me that my long term memory isn’t great. I don’t remember 9/11. I don’t remember where I was, what happened. I know I was in school... and that’s about it. Sometimes I wish I remember more. People ask, and I don’t know. But the school I was at is only 18 miles away (as the crow flies), so based on reports, we would have seen the smoke, and maybe it’s good I don’t remember that. I’m not sure.

What I do remember is how many classmates I had throughout the rest of my education in New Jersey who lost a parent on September 11th. I didn’t lose anyone that day. I was certainly close enough to the towers to have, but I didn’t. I know I don’t know what that feels like. But I know there are over 3000 graves that bear September 11, 2001 as someone’s last day of life, and I know some of the offspring of those people, and that’s enough.

It’s enough that I remember. It’s enough to make me cry when I think about it, every year.

I don’t think it’ll matter how many years go by, because I think I’ll always picture one of my classmates from a few years later. One child whose father never came home that day.

~~~

I'm a big baseball fan, so I'm going to say this too. MLB announced at 4:30pm this afternoon that the Mets and Yankees would wear first responders caps during the game tonight for the first time since 9/11/2007. We've already heard MLB statistics meet that of the 2001 MLB season, such as when the Mets had their Covid outbreak and did not play for a number of days. It was the first time during the season the Mets hadn't played for five days since the days following 9/11.

Now watching the game... I can't tell you just how it makes me feel to see NYPD and FDNY among others on the black caps on the Mets hats. It's a sweet joy that can't be explained. Jacob deGrom (the star Mets pitcher, if you're not a baseball fan), is on the mound in the state of New York (in Buffalo, not NYC, but still New York) wearing an NYPD cap and it's beautiful.

Next year, on the 20th anniversary of 9/11, MLB announced that the Mets and Yankees will play each other at Citi Field in Queens and I'm sure there will be many memorable actions made for that game. I'll probably cry, but I still can't wait to see it.

"Why are you scared of Covid?"

In a time where there’s so much that we can talk and argue about online, I’ve chosen to stay relatively quiet. I’ve posted, sure, but if you look at my posts for the last month they’ve been about my dog, the weather, baseball, an aluminum foil paper cut, etc. 

I haven’t been on a school campus since March 13. I haven’t been to church since March 8. I haven’t gone grocery shopping since March 29. I have seriously limited my interactions with others, just like we were told to. And while I picked it back up some, my life isn’t back to normal. It's not even close. But see while my body has stayed sheltered at home, my mind has not. My mind took everything in, from every direction, and suddenly had fewer places of release. I call people on the phone every night when I go on a walk, but otherwise, I live alone, so that's been my primary contact with people for the last six months. That's it. And now I've reached the point where my mind is currently being overrun with thoughts and opinions and feelings, and I don’t know what to do with them anymore. 

So it’s time for me to share. I'm not picking a side. I’m not sharing to disagree or offend anyone or start any arguments. There are some thoughts I have, particularly political, that I won’t address it all, because that’s not what this and social media are for. Except for NC State Superintendent. I'll speak on that publicly as far as you'll let me. But the truth is, I have a lot of thoughts about these things. They don’t all need to be shared, but maybe some of them should.

So today, I'm addressing Covid. 

While we may all be tired of hearing and talking about the coronavirus, it hasn’t gone away, so it’s still a topic. See I was asked recently, on two separate occasions, why I’m scared of Covid. I really didn’t know how to answer that, because I don’t think I am. I’ve been lucky to be safe and healthy the entire time, but I can’t say the same for my family, I can’t say the same for my friends, and I can’t say the same for a lot of people I know. 

I’m going to jump back to a story from a few months ago because I think experience is what makes up a lot of our feelings these days. The North Carolina governor issued a stay-at-home order effective for March 30. That’s not early enough for my story. The governor closed schools effective March 16. I need to go earlier than that. The first Covid case in North Carolina was announced on March 3. But I actually need to go earlier than that too. See my story begins before Covid was an issue in the US. 

February 27. When my brother texted me and asked me if I would take Toby (his dog) for his spring break beginning March 6. Of course I would. I took him last year and the year before that I think too. But what I didn’t realize then, when I agreed to take Toby for just over a week, was that it would actually be five weeks. 

North Carolina had 2 Covid cases when my brother dropped Toby off, both easily trackable cases. But when he returned to North Carolina on March 14, there were 23. He told me on the phone that he wasn’t feeling well, and he wasn’t going to come get Toby. Yes, I told him, I agree with that decision. 

He was sick. Really sick. He drove back to New Jersey alone because he couldn’t fly, and his NJ health insurance would not help him much in North Carolina. But then he got worse, and yes, he got tested. It was negative, and after several days, he was better. We thought he got a false negative for a while but the antibody test he had done a month ago was also negative. He really never had it. 

I heard my mom’s concern on the phone and my brother’s fear in text messages as he got sicker. He lost his sense of taste and smell, a symptom later determined to be a sign of Covid. But he didn’t have it. And if he didn’t have it... what was the real thing like? 

I personally think that if everyone’s family was hit by Covid, people would treat it differently. I question if people who don’t want to wear a mask have known someone that had it. If they knew someone on a ventilator. Knew someone who died. 

I have. To all of the above. 

Maybe that’s why I take this seriously. Maybe that’s why I don’t go out much. Maybe that’s why I wash my hands after opening a package in the mail. Maybe that’s why I wipe all my groceries down after a pickup order. Maybe that’s why I shower and wash every piece of clothing I was wearing after going inside a store. Maybe that’s why I wear not only a mask, but gloves too, when I do. 

I don’t know. Truthfully, I don’t know. Maybe I am scared of Covid. Maybe I’m not. I think the ultimate truth is, I know what it can do. And I don’t want it to do it to me. I don’t want it to do it to anyone else I know. It’s already got enough of them. I don’t want my mom to call me telling me somebody else died. I don’t want to miss another funeral. 

Cases in North Carolina are still on the rise. The percent of tests that are positive is still sitting above 7%. They want to be below 5%. 

I know what the solution to that is, they just won’t do it. North Carolina still has a list of restrictions on who is allowed to get tested. If I wanted to, I couldn’t get tested. I’ve never fit any of their characteristics. Maybe that’s what scares me. If I catch it, would I ever know? If I’m asymptomatic, would I spread it, because I don’t know I have it, because I can’t get tested? Or worse yet, have already done that? 

And yes, that terrifies me. More so than anything else. But is it really Covid that I'm scared of? I don't think so. But maybe it is.